I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
