You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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