my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
