i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
