she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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