You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
