im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
