dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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