she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
