I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
