Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
