There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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