so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
