I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
