So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
