My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
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Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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