This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
