ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
