Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
