I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
As shirtless as possible
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
