I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
