Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
