i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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