I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
