Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Randomize
