Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
