Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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