if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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