John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
