I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
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On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We talked him into tasing himself.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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