i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
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He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
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Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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