You're completely useless in the revolution.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
