don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
