then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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