Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
