Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
