i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
