Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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