i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
