in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
