You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
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