The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
