the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
