she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
