I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
