if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
