You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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