My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
