And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize