highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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