I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize