i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I need moral support for this bender
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
