I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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